And now for another edition of the quirky/bad drivers we all encounter on a daily basis…
1. Decorated mud flap people – These people have the shiny, metallic leaning-back female (apparently nude) or a creature (like a dog) on their mudflaps. Now, mudflaps are not meant to be decorative, as far as I know, but these could double as trailer living room décor, I do believe.
2. Leaning back woman sticker people – As noted above, this specimen contains a sticker of a woman in repose, apparently nude, and most of the men (yes, they are all men as far as I’ve seen) would never even have a chance with a woman with this sort of figure.
3. The clothes changer – This person doesn’t take the time to change his clothes before he leaves wherever he drove from, oh no. He changes in the car, while the car is in motion. Now, just about everyone I know has changed clothes in his/her cars at some point. Most of them, however, have not changed while driving the car.
4. Afraid to turners – This group of folks are just afraid to turn, apparently. They put on their blinkers about a half a mile away from the to-be-turned-on street, just to tease fellow drivers. Then, when the time comes to turn, one would think they were driving a semi with the “wide right turns” stickers plastered about, for it takes about 15 seconds to turn onto a residential street, while going 5 mph.
5. Wild children – If this car is a rockin’. Well, you know the rest. But, this time, it’s because the kids are not buckled in and are carousing about in the seats, on the back dash, etc. People: put your kids in their car seats. Not only is it safer, it’s much less distracting to fellow drivers.
6. Too many for the vehicle – True story: a guy with 7 people once pulled into our yard to pick up furniture that we had discarded at the curb. 7 people in a Fiesta. Now, just where in the world did he think he was going to put the furniture? You guessed – the roof.
7. Whole road pull outers – Similar to “afraid to turners” these people believe in their hearts that they are driving semi trucks. They pull into both lanes, sometimes even the opposite lane on a street that has a turning lane. All this while driving a Cavalier or Fiesta. Really?
8. Break left to turn righters – Also similar to “afraid to turners” these folks pull over into the left-hand lane (as in the one with opposing traffic) to turn right. Again, while driving a Cavalier or Fiesta. This is unacceptable, again, unless you are driving a semi!
9. Parked under a tree too longers – These people have cars that appear to have been part of a nuclear meltdown. The paint is in horrific shape, and the vinyl top, if there ever was one, has melted into a flaky pastry-type concoction that is somehow still adhered to the roof. Tree sap + vehicle paint = not good. Just for reference.
10. The Lucky Ones – These people somehow have serious wrecks and make it out completely unharmed. True story: We had one of these once at work. A kid, graduation night, decided to barrel down 12th Street doing about 75mph. He forgot, unfortunately, that 12th Street dead-ends into a building. Thankfully, the building was in the process of being built at the time, and the drilled pier foundation holes had just been dug. There was rebar and concrete all around. Somehow, this lucky duck hit the curb doing who knows what speed, launched himself and his Escalade into the air, and landed himself a hole-in-one in one of the drilled pier holes. He walked away without a scratch, save the redness in his buttock area that was inflicted when he had to tell his Mom that her new car was toast.
11. Pull out putt putter – We got behind one of these today. They are in a hellish hurry to pull out into traffic, only to go 5 or 10 mph when they do. Why pull out? It’s not like you’re going to get there any faster.
12. Robber van – My son, when he was little, called step vans “robber vans” because every cops and robbers movie had one in it. They are always either black or white, have the roll-to-the-side door, and look like a box on wheels. This was just funny.
13. Cell phone – These people need to either (1) buy a handsfree headset, (2) buy a car where their phones can just connect automatically, or (3) not talk while driving at all. They weave, they bob, and they pull out in front of you. Then, they get mad when you almost run them over because they weren’t watching where they were going.
14. Toothbrush – True story: I once saw a guy brushing his teeth and spitting out the window going down McCain Blvd. This very busy 4-lane is not the place to brush one’s teeth while driving. Actually, I can’t think of any street that is appropriate for this activity.
15. Makeup – Perhaps a little blush is okay. Maybe even some chapstick. But never, ever is it okay to put on your mascara in traffic. While driving. I see these women just about every morning on my commute. I know what it’s like to be busy in the mornings. I know that being late is not an option for some folks. But, if you stab yourself in the eye, I don’t believe you’re going to look real good when you get to work either.
16. Pre-mergers – OMG these people drive me crazy. These are the people who, for whatever reason, decide to get a jump on merging into traffic and cut everyone else off. These people think that they are the only people in a hurry, and that everyone else should just wait. So, they don’t let anyone else merge until they have done so themselves.
17. Crooked bumper sticker people – I’m a stickler for straightening pictures on the wall, symmetry, and other such OCD-type things. I also think that people who put bumper stickers on fiberglass are idiots. It will never come off! What if you decide you don’t like Pink Floyd next week? You’re out of luck, dude, because the sticker is stuck. And, for Pete’s sake. If you’re going to put one on your car, put it on straight. It’s like a tattoo (yuck, by the way), it’s pretty permanent, so make sure you spell Rhonda right and not “Rohnda” – same thing. Get the sticker straight.
18. Fake Z28 or such people – These people could not afford to actually purchase a Z28, or a Rolls, or a Cadillac, so they did the next best thing. They purchased a sticker or an emblem and adhered it to a lesser-quality vehicle. I’ve actually seen a Buick with Cadillac emblems on it before. Atrocious.
19. Nascar people – This really should be a totally separate blog. These people are not the ones who have just one Nascar sticker on their car – they have several. Or they have In Memory of 3, or they have a 3 sticker and a Jeff Gordon is a Whiner sticker. Really? I’ve actually seen a Lumina that had Nascar stickers all over it, to make it look like it was a Nascar racecar. As if. I’ve driven a Lumina before. It’s not racecar material, trust me. And, no one is fooled by the stickers.
20. Shoe polish people – These people leave the “Happy Birthday Soxie” writing on their cars until it says “H pp Bi Si”. Clean it off, people. It looks like crap. Then there are the people who are headed somewhere – like a State Championship or on vacation. It’s nice to have team spirit, but not for weeks on end.
Stay tuned. There are tons more. Please send suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org.