So, tonight we are sitting in our home office, and Sweetie is looking at some photos fromthe past seven years. It is really bringing back some good memories, but it also makes me wonder how my life would be different, be it good or bad, if I had not chosen to go to law school.

When I started law school, we were just solidifying as a family, having blended our kids together after two not-so-great first marriages to other people. Our kids, at the time still home, were 18, 14, and 11. Wow how time has flown.

During those first four years together, we had done a lot. We bought a house, sold two others, bought a boat, been on a few cruises and vacations, and just had quality time together. Since August of 2009, though, things have been different, because I’ve been at school 3 or 4 nites a week, spent quite a bit of fundage on this, and studied so many weekends and evenings I can’t even count them. Every time we are off school for the semester, it gets more difficult to go back the next time. I have so much fun just hanging out.

I’m reminded of what Sweetie said when I first felt the missing-out-on-life feelings: “In four years, four years will have passed with you either pursuing this dream or just doing whatever happens during those four years.”. I’ve thought about that a lot. I do wonder though, at what cost the two-and-a-half so far have come.

I have missed a lot of good traveling, for one thing. It’s so much less expensive to travel during the school year than at other times. I could have gone to Tahiti for two weeks with the money I’ve spent so far!

Do I really want to be a lawyer? After I get out, will there be any job prospects at all for me since I’m over 40? I’m sure someone will interview me, but I bet they won’t hire me. They think I’m too old to do this. I wonder what other older students think about this? Have they experienced similar issues?

Anyway, school starts Tuesday. My mind has to be made up by next Monday, or I owe them another $4K for the semester. It stinks not being poor enough to get scholarships but not wealthy enough to just write a check for the whole thing at one time. I am above the middle, at least, since I don’t have any loans. That would really suck.

I guess my reasons for doing this have changed over time. At first, I was doing it because I wanted to be a lawyer. Now, I am in part doing it because I’m uncertain of the future of my job and want a back up plan. I don’t know if I’m even going to take the bar at this point. I want to move out of state, and I really don’t want to have to take it twice!

I think my plan is thus: I will go this week. If I get a bad grade on anything from last semester, I’ll withdraw and live the rest of my life okay. If I get decent grades, I’ll stay in.

Last semester was the toughest fall of my life. It changed the way I felt about the justice system and the ability of the legislature to screw with the individual rights of people, guaranteed by the Constitution. That is one reason I feel so strange about going back. I just don’t know that my heart’s in it like it was before. It was a game-changer.

One of my professors from last semester said that I was one of their favorite students and that if I ever needed a reference to let them know. I will. I truly enjoyed their class. It was also a game-changer, in the same direction as the other events of the fall. I will NEVER work for the prosecutor’s side as a result of both. I would rather not be a lawyer and be able to sleep at night than to know that I put an innocent man behind bars.