This morning, I woke up a bit depressed. I have nothing really to look forward to today other than bar prep. It’s a means to an end, but the lack of doing anything else for any length of time, other than bar prep and work, is getting old. I know…only 45 days left until the bar, and I should not whine about it, but it does get old knowing that you are stuck at a computer for most of your existence. At least I’m able to study at home and not have to go to the lectures at the school. That would be most dreadful.
This morning, in my “feeling sorry for myself” state, I realized two things. One is that I don’t have to feel guilty about telling people I can’t do something else. I have to study. I have to use my time wisely. More than that, I don’t need any more distractions. I just need to be able to concentrate on this very important stuff for more than 30 minutes at a time, which is about all this OCD brain can handle. I mean, when the kitchen counters and bathtub cleaning experiences are the highlight of your day, merely because it gets you out of doing bar prep for the hour, you know your life is pretty much boring boring boring. So, when the opportunity comes along for you to either take 30 minutes for yourself to, say, take a shower and shave your legs since you’re starting to smell and look like a Yetti, or go to a gathering for three hours that you cannot waste on nom nom talk, then you choose the shower. While you may feel guilty about ditching the gathering, there also comes a certain peace that gives you the “out” you need to be able to do something selfish – like showering or getting those pants you have had for 6 months hemmed. Either way, guilt be done, I’m ditching the gathering for something more peaceful to me. I know it may sound selfish, but I have to or I’ll have a melt down mid-week, and that would just not be good for me or anyone else.
The other thing that occurred to me today, in a flash, is that during bar prep, you tend to forget that there is life outside of bar prep. Yes, there is still that great big world on the “outside”. Yes, bar prep is a little like being in jail or prison, in that you are all in it together, you are mostly sequestered, even if in your own “cells”, and you are all working toward the same goal – to get out of the prison of law school and bar prep and move on with your life. To see the sun again. To go to the lake for a long weekend. To take a drive in the country. Bar prep is not unlike prison, in many respects.
Today’s flash came when I opened up Facebook on my phone and saw a friend’s post about getting into a prestigious graduate school program. Yes, I still have Facebook on my phone, even during bar prep. It’s fine, really, if you don’t spend all of your time looking at it and actually do study. It’s keeping me sane at work, anyway, as posts from others during the day remind me that there is a life outside work, as well. I am not a surfer. I don’t spend hours doing it – just every once in a while in a boring meeting or such, I’ll pull it up just to see that there is life outside. People have other jobs. People work in more fascinating occupations than worrying about why someone is depressed that their breakroom is all taupe.
My friend’s post set in motion am umph that I really needed for this day. I was not looking forward to studying. His post, regarding an applied physics program, sounded fascinating. Not that I would want to do physics. I would suck at it. But, his post reminded me that there are people out there doing amazing things with their lives. He’s from my hometown – a little tiny town 99.9% of Americans have never heard of – but he has accomplished wonderful things. Why? Because he tried.
So, my friends, with that, I will be trying my darndest to remember and learn Evidence today as I move ahead with this bar prep regime, knowing that the guilt I would have felt for tomorrow is gone and that the pants I’ll be wearing next weekend will be hemmed.