Yard Machines are the Devil

Yard machines are the devil, I believe.  My neighbor has taught me this.  How?  By using them incessantly for hours on end.  They make these really cool, Earth-friendly gadgets called rakes.  I think I’ll buy him 15 for Christmas.

Really, yard machines are supposed to be helpful, but a lot of folks don’t know how to use them properly.  So, I’ve devised this handy list to help those less-yard-friendly folks out there.  Here goes:

  1. If you have thirty trees in your yard, a leaf blower will do you little or no good.  There are simply too many leaves to blow with a leaf blower.  Get off your lazy butt and buy a rake, or one of those mulching leaf picker-uppers.
  2. Don’t try to use a leaf blower on a windy day.  It’s like trying to contain a runaway garden sprinkler.
  3. Use your sprinklers at the right time of day for your area of the country. You don’t want to water your plants at night as they’ll rot, or so I’ve heard.  Don’t water every day.  Does it rain every day where you live, normally?  If no, then don’t buy plants that need a ton of water.  One day, you’ll look back and wish you had that water to drink yourself.  Hint:  a palm tree won’t survive in Maine; grass doesn’t grow in the desert.
  4. Those huge oscillating yard sprinklers that throw the water way up in the air also lose a lot of water doing that.  Be smart, here, people.
  5. Buy a mulching mower.  It doesn’t leave those ugly lines in your yard.
  6. Bottom line – if it doesn’t grow easily, then leave it be.  There is no sense wasting money and water on things that are “pretty” but don’t like your climate.  If you want to live with tropical plants but you live in Maine, either take them inside or move to Florida.  It’s really simple, and I’m not picking on Maine.  I’ve never been there, but it seems nice and I have a friend who lived there.
  7. Shade is a good thing.  Trees produce oxygen, which is also a good thing.  Don’t cut them down unless you have to – like if they are dying and they are going to fall on your house.
  8. Don’t have 50 dogs.  There is no need, and you can’t possibly give them all the amount of love they need.  Okay, that’s not about yard tools, but I had to mention it.
  9. Clean your yard tools.  If you leave them muddy or nasty, they will rust or become unusable.  Duh.
  10. Edgers?  What sadistic person invented this?  Who cares if you grass is 1″ over your sidewalk, really?  Unless Architectural Digest is coming to film your house for national television, don’t worry about it.  Trust me that no one else notices.
  11. Hand tools are harder to use.  They require effort.  They also burn calories, and are better for our planet.  Use them.
  12. Weed wackers.  What in the world can I say about them?  They are necessary, but it’s not necessary to get every little sprig of grass.  It’s like vacuuming over the same fuzz ball 15 times because you’re too lazy to pick it up.

That is all.


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