I sit here today, listening to Queen, and crying, again. Third time this weekend. Why? Because the bar results come out on Friday. We 242 or so folks sit, quietly yet impatiently, awaiting the results to be posted for all the world to see. Oh how we all, I’m sure, wish they would silently send us an email just to let us get over all of the emotions alone, in the comfort of our closets, under our beds, or wherever we wish to be. But, no, they have to publish them online so that everyone knows. It’s a double-edged sword. You want people to be happy if you passed, but you don’t want them to even know if you didn’t. It sucks.
I played this song about 5 times in a row the weekend before I took the bar. I cried and cried and cried, knowing that my little group of part-timers who had started this journey together had ended it together, fighting our way through the bar exam. This weekend, a little more than a month past the date of the exam, we all wait a few more days to see if we have achieved our goals or if we have to take the test again. And, everyone else waits with us.
I like being alone. I really do. Part of the reason right now is that I don’t want any more questions about the bar from people who rarely, if ever, speak to me normally but are certainly quite curious about the bar exam results. If you aren’t my friend and have never supported me in this endeavor otherwise, what do you care if I pass? I know – you probably don’t really care – you just want to know if you were “right” and I’m not as smart as you thought, correct? Well, again, you take the bar and see how well you do. Then come back to me and tell me how great you are.
I have so many emotions in my head. Excitement, fear, sadness, loss, heartache, happiness, strength, and perseverance. I am scared I didn’t pass. I’m scared about what it means if I did. I’m excited about the prospect of going with my best law school friend to our favorite judge’s chambers to get sworn in. I’m scared that one of us might have to go alone. I am afraid of being hounded with requests to represent someone if I passed. I’m nervous about a possibility of changing jobs, but I’m excited about the prospect at the same time. I’m unsure of the future. I’m in limbo or purgatory. Your choice.
I look at the photo that was taken of our little group on graduation day. I hope for good results on Friday for all of us who took the bar this time. I hope for good results to those who are taking it in February and those who will need to because they didn’t pass this time, if they choose to do so. I’m hopeful that each of us will have a life filled with dreams fulfilled, travels yet to be seen, and joy. We will find out our fates on Friday. Until then, I will listen to sad music to get it all out of my head and try to hold my head high Friday at 4pm, regardless of the outcome.