I figured out why I have cried every day for the past week. It finally hit me tonight. It is two-fold: listening to sad music I.e., Adele or Queen or whatever, and the thought that all I have hoped for for so long comes down to Friday at 4pm. It’s almost like everything else has fallen off the end of a long conveyor belt and this lone package (the bar results) is the only think left before the machine gets turned off, the factory closes down, and I move on to another adventure. Yes, being sad also makes everything symbolic to me as well. It is just part of me. Sentimental symbolism. My mother should have named me Sally as that would alliterate quite well with the first two words.
Tonight I tortured myself by listening to all of those artists plus looking at photos from my 20s, which seems many moons ago at present, finishing it up with the song that will get me every time: Kelly Clarkson’s Because if You. It is the piece du resistance in my crying, feel bad, mad and sad at the same time self. Which is what I was doing earlier this evening. So much water under the bridge. So many questions still plague me. Why was he like that? Why did I allow him to be like that around me? Why was I not stronger? Why did I not leave? Why did I slow myself to be miserable for so many years? Did I feel it was my payback? I think so. But then, I think no one deserves a payback that lasts that long and is that harsh. No one.
This Friday means more to me than to some who will get results at the same time I do. Some are merely waiting to see if Daddy’s money was well-spent. Some are anxious about a job but didn’t really have this career path as a dream and only went into it thinking the money would pay off someday. Some, like me, went through hell and back before being able to do this. We are survivors.
Regardless of the outcome on Friday, the small band of us who struggled through no fault or fault of our own will have one thing they can’t take away. No matter Friday’s outcome, we are doctors. And we deserve to be happy.