Tonight, as I contemplate the final five study days before the bar exam, before me now, I look back at how far I’ve come and how far I’ve yet to go – in life. I had a professor in law school who was amazing. (I had several, but this is the subject of my blog this evening.) He had worked for the State Department and DOJ previously and taught a somewhat obscure class that was fascinating to me. I loved the class, even though it was one of my two Cs in law school (or ever, for that matter). It was just amazing, and I never regretted taking the class.
Why I was thinking about him tonight is that he has never settled for one spot in life. He was adventurous, and he has worked at many different agencies as a lawyer. That’s what I want to do. I want to have an adventure. I don’t want to be stuck any longer in a spot where I feel that I am trapped and unable to breathe. I unfortunately feel that way tonight because of some things that have gone on recently (and in the past, let’s be honest). I am braver than I feel or allow myself to be, in most things, but when it comes to this, I’m just not very brave. I’m scared.
I’m scared to change because I’ve been there so long. I’m scared to lose my vacation time. I’m scared to leave my friends, who are some of the best people I’ve ever known. I’m scared of the unknown – what if I don’t like my new adventure? Going back would not be an option, and of course, things would never be the same anyway. Once you leave a place, you can’t ever really return, can you?
Thinking about my professor gave me a smile tonight. A friend and I were talking about another friend who wants to work for the State Department, and it reminded me of my professor. I’m not exactly sure what he’s doing now, but we occasionally email just to see how things are going. It’s part of being in law school with professors who actually care about how you are – you’re not just a number at Bowen. You’re someone. You’re a real person, and people know you. It’s like living in a small town where everyone knows everyone else. It’s part of the drill.
So, as I think about and contemplate (yes the same thing, I know, I have bar exam brain, sorry) this next adventure, wherever it may be, I know that my life has great things in store for it. I know that I am not stuck in this station in which I have been for quite a long time now. I’m not sure when that new adventure will begin, but I honestly can hardly wait. Just the thought of a new adventure makes me almost giddy with happiness. I know the grass is not always greener, but it certainly has a better chance of being so when people water it with hope and help. This will take bravery. I know that. I am willing to take that chance.