A Blue Blanket and the Bar Exam

Last night I could mot sleep. My poor husband has had a sinus thing for a couple of weeks, and his snoring was keeping me awake. I had a bar prep class this weekend, all night on Friday until like 9:30pm and then all day today from 8am until 6pm. It made for a long weekend, and my lack of sleep was not working in my favor. I needed sleep, and I also had a lot on my mind. What was supposed to be w really cool day at work yesterday turned into an awkward and not-so-fun day due to a couple of strange and untimely interactions.

I was simply exhausted last night during class, so I resorted to coffee. I knew better. If I drink that much caffeine after 6pm, I really have  hard time sleeping. When I got home, I spent another thirty minutes talking to Sweetie about my day, going over the strange and unnecessary interactions, searching for some answers. That did not help me calm down, and that was most unfortunate. I ended up tossing and turning for about and hour before really starting to get annoyed at myself.

Then the snoring started.

And it went on for hours. Every time I would get to sleep, I would get jolted awake by the snoring. I poked him with my finger a few times, to get him to stop. One time he even told me that he was not snoring (when he was) because he was awake

He wasn’t, but I most certainly it was.

Because I was having the issues, I did not want to ask him to go to the couch, even though I was the one who had to get up early to go to an all-day class.  So, I gathered up as many of the big decorating bed pillows this I could find and made myself a pallet in my favorite place in our whole house – our closet.  It is truly the quietest spot in our house. With the door closed, you really cannot hear anything. It is my quiet happy place. I am considering moving into it for studying for the bar exam.

When I got in there I grabbed my wonderful comfy. My blue blanket that doesn’t come out for any other reason. It was a gift from my former father in law, and even though it is not in the best shape, I cannot bear to throw it away. As exhausted as I was last night, though, I noticed that it was literally falling apart when I picked it up. Pieces of the blanket’s fuzz literally fell off in my hands and onto the floor. I nearly cried. It was like the last straw of a very very long day.

I went back into the other room and grabbed another blanket, leaving the blue blanket on the floor to deal with at another time. I need that blanket. It keeps me calm. It makes me remember my mentor, and throwing it away just makes me sad.

I left it there, all day, on the floor. I could not deal with it this morning when I left. I just could  n do one more thing today. The bar exam scares me to death, like I am sure  I does most people, especially people who have a full time job like me.

I returned this evening, and the blanket was still there. It was looking up at me like an old dog who knows he is at the end and wishes you would do him the justice of putting him down,just to put him out of his misery.

I don’t know when I will do this favor for my old friend, my blue blanket. I will never get another blanket or other gift from my mentor, now nearly 10 years gone from this world. I just cannot bear to think about it right now, and will probably leave it for another day. But will that day be not painful than now? Or will the feelings I have go away easier if I put it out to pasture now?  Like a bandaid, does it feel better to just rip the whole thing off at one time or pull it slowly?

Perhaps tomorrow I will be braver and able to throw it away. I know once I do, it is the end. But I will be okay, just as I will get over the activities at work that caused me stress and I will get through the bar exam prep somehow. I almost always prevail, if I set my mind to it.

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