On my way home this evening, I was reminded of the many types of drivers on the road. A few, and their quirks, are listed below. Enjoy and pass it along.
1. THE BRAKER – This driver constantly, and for no reason apparent to the rest of the universe, rides his brakes the whole time he is driving. This includes flat, open roads, where he is the only car for 10 miles.
2. THE WEAVER – This driver, in an apparent hurry to get to a fire or some other emergency, weaves in and out of traffic, making The Braker and other paranoid types slam on their brakes in order to keep from hitting The Weaver’s car.
3. THE FAST WIPER – This driver keeps his wiper blades on high for any rain, snow, or sleet event. Even when everyone else has turned their wipers off or to that once-in-a-five-minute-period swish, The Fast Wiper’s blades are keeping time with the Beer Barrell Polka.
4. THE CRASHER – This driver has obviously had several accidents, some more recent than others. The fiberglass panels on the sides, front, and back are either missing, broken, or hanging by a thread. The windshield may be cracked, and at least one of the side mirrors is missing. This driver is related closely to The Mystery Damage Driver, below.
5. THE MYSTERY DAMAGE DRIVER – This driver has had an accident, that much is apparent. What type of accident is to be determined, for it cannot be deduced from looking at the car in general. This guy has a story to tell! An example of this mystery damage is a large puncture in the hood, or even a large dent at the top of a door but nowhere else. Buy this guy a beer, and he’ll tell you the war story, I’m certain.
6. THE SLOW AS A SNAIL DRIVER – This driver, be him old or just not in a hurry, drives 25. Everywhere.
7. THE CAREFUL TURNER – This driver feels like every turn he makes must take at least 30 seconds, even if it’s into his own driveway. This driver puts on his blinker at the correct moment, but then takes an excessively long time and stride to turn, even on flat, dry pavement.
8. THE MIDDLE LANER – This driver wants to turn left onto a busy street. He thinks, “Wow! Look at that lonely middle, turning lane, not being used by anyone at this moment. I could just use it!” What he doesn’t think, however, is that someone does need to use the middle lane for its intended purpose – turning.
9. THE NON-MERGER – This driver is physically incapable of merging. This is simply the only explanation. Perhaps the steering wheel only goes straight, or maybe it’s the tires. This person simply cannot merge.
10. THE MERGE NAZI – This driver will not allow anyone to merge. “This is MY highway” is his mantra and MO. He feels like he is more important than other drivers or perhaps he feels that his non-emergency is more important than someone else’s. No matter, this guy is a jerk, hands down.
11. THE FAST LANE SNAIL – This driver drives in the left lane, the fast lane, all the time. This is during rain, sleet, snow, dry, middle of the night, middle of the day, rush hour, morning, evening, anytime really. The only problem is that Slow Snail Man drives slower than people in the other lanes. They don’t call it the fast lane just for grins.
12. THE MATCH MY SPEED LANE HOG – This driver is all about competition. He gets in the slow lane or the fast lane, take your pick, and then he exactly matches the speed of the driver in the lane adjacent to him. That way, no one can pass! This driver is closely-related to The Merge Nazi.
13. THE SMOKING CELL PHONER – this driver is a multitasker. She is usually talking on the phone and smoking at the same time. As if driving is not hard enough by itself, or driving with a cell phone is not hard enough, she wants to add another issue to the pot. This driver was once a circus juggler in her spare time, I’m almost positive.
14. THE MAKEUP PATROL – this driver never gets up on time apparently. All she needs is an extra 5 min. to get to work on time. Instead of getting up 5 min. earlier to put her makeup, she decides to put on her makeup while driving down the road. This would not be too bad, except for the fact that she decides mascara is her makeup of choice for the day. How in the world somebody can put on mascara while driving is beyond me. I have a hard enough time putting it on with the mirror, standing still in my bathroom every morning.
15. THE ODDITIES (INCLUDES TOOTHBRUSH) – I have actually seen someone brushing their teeth while driving down the road. It was a man. I know this isn’t shocking. We were downtown North Little Rock, we were at a stoplight, and he kept spitting out the window. Not that this was a gross enough, but then I realized he was spitting something out the window. That something was toothpaste. He was brushing his teeth and dipping his toothbrush in a glass in his car, brushing, and spitting the toothpaste out the window. Not only was this nasty but he continued to do it all the way down McCain Boulevard. McCain Boulevard is a four-lane with about 1 million turns off of it, so it’s not the best place to be brushing one’s teeth. He’s closely related to the makeup patrol.
16. THE FIGHTERS – these drivers fight, while driving. The car can be seen rocking back and forth, as one slugs the other one while they duke it out while driving down the highway. Usually this is a man and a woman, so it really makes it a domestic dispute, which is sad. But what’s worse is that all of us get to be part of it, plus it’s a little bit dangerous to be fighting and hitting someone while driving down the road.
17. THE OUT OF TOWNERS – these people somehow make it to your town from another state. No one’s really sure how they’ve driven over 500 miles to make it to your state, but their lost display tells at all. Let’s say you’re in Florida. Their plates are from Missouri. Somehow they’ve driven 1000 miles, with no apparent damage to their vehicle, but in your town they act like they just started driving about 5 min. ago. Somehow they think it’s okay to weave in and out of traffic, slam on their brakes, go 5 mi./h in a 20 mi./h zone, and just acted really stupid.
18. THE FARMERS – these drivers tend to have farm equipment behind them. They may also be driving farm equipment. For those of us who grew up in the country, I’m certain that most of us have been behind a tractor at one point or another. Of course this always happens whenever you’re in a really big hurry to get to town, so you’re thinking yeah a I’ll leave the house 2 min. before I need to get their even though it’s a 10 min. drive. Then you get behind the tractor, which ruins your day. Of course this doesn’t ruin their day because they are farmers. It’s their job to drive a tractor slowly and hold up the rest of the traffic flow.
19. THE I-SHOULD-HAVE-BOUGHT-A-TRUCKERS – these people are some of my favorite bad drivers. You know you’ve seen them. They drive some sort of small car and have a fishing pole, piece of board, furniture, or playground equipment hanging out the window. They may even have a lawnmower in the trunk, with the trunk open of course because it won’t fit. These people definitely should’ve bought a truck.
20. THE READERS – these drivers are much like the makeup patrol. They should’ve gotten up earlier, but they didn’t, so now you’re stuck behind them and traffic while they read the morning paper. The Readers also come in the form of the person who is reading up on War and Peace or maybe the latest edition of Newsweek, both of which I should’ve read at home or somewhere stationary,but instead they chose to read all driving down the road.
21. THE CUT-YOU-OFFERS – these people want in your lane despite the fact that you’re in your lane. They will do anything to get in your Lane. Instead of having the guts to put on their blinker, wait their turn, and pull into your lane when you are no longer there, they instead feel it is their God-given right to pull into your lane and cut you off. These people should be shot!